Metaphor

"The greater the sensibility the greater the suffering...much suffering." - Leonardo Da Vinci

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Alex looked at the shuddering heap laying in the bed. The moaning, shuddering sobs were the only sound in the room. Well, that and the occasional sniffle.

"I take it things didn't go that well," said Alex.

He had been standing in the doorway of Jack's studio apartment for 10 minutes. He hadn't let up one bit. Nor did he answer.

"Listen, bud," Alex said impatiently. "I know that you're hurting right now. That's pretty damn obvious. But if you don't pull it together and talk to me, I can't help you.

"Plus, if you don't get your ass outta bed and go clean yourself up, I'm totally raiding your fridge."

Alex said this with a smile. He said most things with a smile on his lips.

Somehow, Alex had learned that no matter how hard things were, no matter what the problem, a solution could be found by reasoning things out. He had been spending a lot of time with Jack, trying to help him see this. It was an uphill battle.

"Seriously dude." He made his way toward Jack and gave him a light kick. "Get up or I'm leaving."

He pause for a moment.

"After I eat whatever good stuff you have in the fridge."

Jack began crawling out from under the blankets. He squinted his eyes, and Alex could tell he'd been under them for quite awhile.

"Oh look," said Alex, a big grin on his face. "It's like I'm witnessing a birth, but with out all the blood and screaming."

Jack looked at him, clearly not amused. His face was tear streaked and dirty. He had snot, both fresh and dried on his nose and cheeks. Alex made a disgusted face.

"But apparently not much less messy."

"I shouldn't have talked to her," said Jack. "I reasoned it out, like you said, and I thought I could handle it."

"Yeah...," Alex drawled. "We can discuss this after you clean up. Go look in the mirror. Seriously, you look gross. Take care of that first."

Jack sighed, but pushed himself up and out of bed. Head down, he walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light. He looked up into the mirror.

"Holy shit," said Jack. "I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't want you to see me like this."

"Meh," Alex waived it off. "It's not the first time. Just please wash you face. I'm trying to eat here."

Jack laughed a little at this, then proceeded to clean himself up. When finished, he walked out of the bathroom and looked Alex. He wasn't eating anything; just sipping on a glass of water and waiting.

"So," said Alex. "You talked to her and now you're a mess again, huh?"

The "her" Alex referred to was Jack's ex, Anna. They'd been broken up for quite some time now, and Jack seemed to finally be doing well. Clearly, he was not.

"Yeah, I guess so," replied Jack. "I just thought I could handle it."

"Did you really? Or did you just want to hear the sound of her voice again?"

"Well...", Jack said. "There was that."

"Why?"

Jack thought a moment. "Because I miss her. I think that I was forgetting what her voice sounded like. I didn't like that."

Alex just shook his head and gave him a somber smile. "Wasn't that kind of the idea?"

"I know." Jack cast his eyes downward. "But it wasn't just that," he said, finally looking back up.

Alex studied his friend's eyes for a moment. He had known him for years and was pretty good at reading him.

"She told you she met someone."

Jack gave a small nod. His eyes began to get watery, but he kept it in check. Alex would let him cry about it, but he knew that aside from the slight release it afforded, crying would do him no good.

"Why the hell would she want to talk just so she could tell me that," Jack asked. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Doesn't it," asked Alex.

Jack just looked at him, puzzled.

"Listen," Alex continued. "I can't say for sure what her reasoning was, but it might have simply been that she was feeling insecure and needed you to boost her ego a bit. What exactly did you guys talk about?"

Jack though a moment.

"Well, typical small talk about what we were up to now. Then we talked about the past and where it went wrong."

Alex nodded. "And how did you handle that?"

"Well, I tried to be reasonable like you always tell me to do."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "That's it? That's all you're going to give me?"

He put his arms on his hips and looked Jack in the face. That damn smile was still there. He could always seem to tell when Jack held back.

"I guess the gist of it is that I told her I'm fine and that I don't think about her as much. I told her I'm happy that she met someone."

To a certain, very limited extent it was true.

"Why would you tell her that?"

Jack said nothing for a moment, thinking over the question. Finally, he replied.

"I guess I just figured it would make things easier on her."

"And why would you do that? Why not just tell her exactly how you feel and the reason why you have to focus on yourself so strongly," asked Alex. "Did you tell her what you told me? How you have to focus on yourself so thoroughly because if you don't...well, this happens?"

Jack just shook his head.

"I can't do that to her, Alex."

"Why? She moved on, or is trying to. Why don't you," he asked. "Why does it always matter to you how she feels. Your relationship ended. It's okay if you hurt. It's okay if you move on and she hurts. It's going to happen."

"I guess I would rather just know that she's alright and that she's happy before I finally start to let go."

"That isn't reasonable, Jack," said Alex, throwing his arms up. "That isn't what I've tried to help you with."

"But it is. It's logical, even," replied Jack.

Alex said nothing. He simply crossed his arms and looked at Jack. Clearly, he needed a better explanation.

"It's purely emotional," he finally said. "You're just hurting yourself. I'm thinking you shouldn't have called her, but what's done is done."

Jack nodded. "I agree with you there. But, it isn't purely emotional. Or at least, it isn't my emotions I'm thinking about."

"Obviously. You were doing just fine. Granted, you're not nearly as bad as you were a few months ago, but compared to how you've been for the last month you're a wreck. Why do that to yourself. Let her be the wreck."

"No."

Alex didn't lose his patients with Jack. He just looked at him. That wasn't the answer he wanted to hear.

"Why not? This is obviously eating away at you right now. It could take weeks for you to get back on track, even with my help."

"I know," said Jack, head bowed and giving a hint of a nod.

"Then why?"

Slowly, Jack raised his head. He looked Alex in the eyes. It wasn't quite a look of resolution. More like a look of sad determination.

"Because I love her, Alex. If I can help keep her from feeling even a fraction of what I do right now, to me, it's completely worth it.

"And as much as it makes me ache, as much as it hurts, I know I can deal with it. I'm used to it."

For a time, there was silence. A tear slid down Jack's face. Alex just looked at him.

He finally spoke. "And if Anna finds out about this?"

"Then she'll know that even though I love her, even though I haven't given up on hope, that I want her to be happy. God knows that I'd prefer it be with me, but I used reason, like you told me. I thought it out.

"I live miles away now. She isn't likely to come out here. Her sense of adventure just never was the same as mine. I could pick a direction and drive - preferred it, even. She liked to plan things out, have a destination in mind most of the time."

He paused after this, looking at Alex. Realization was slowly coming to him.

"That's a metaphor isn't it?"

"Yes," said Jack.

Alex slowly inhaled. He mulled it all over in his mind, and in a way, it did kind of seem reasonable. He didn't think it was the best thing for his well-being, but it kind of made sense, given the way that Jack was.

With a sharp exhale he reached up and slapped Jack on the shoulder. He smiled. "Well," he said. "You kind of twisted it a bit, but I'm glad you've at least reasoned this out. In your own way, at least."

Jack smiled. It was a sad smile, but it was something. Alex was just glad that his face wasn't covered is tears and snot. Though given the new situation, in a few hours or a few days, it likely would be again.

"Thanks," said Jack.

"And you're sure you'll be alright?"

Jack raised his arms up with sharp, loud sigh. "What choice do I have now, other than to be alright? It's like I said before...I'm used to it."