ramblings at 02:00 EST

I may no longer say that I love you, but my mind and spirit suffer from those unspoken words. Not a day passes that I don't think about you, and I am plagued with sleepless nights. I feel wrecked, broken. I am bombarded by imaginings of just letting go, ending it all.

Death.

But that cannot, will not happen. For were I to die now, I would no longer be able to think.

Of you.

In my prayers I am thankful for you, and I place my faith in God. If he could bring you to me, another leaf on the wind from thousands of miles away, then he can do it again.

And with faith, hope, and charity, all things are possible.

Love is not enough. It must be forged in faith, tempered in hope.

beLIEver

I loved the way you lied to me
And I believed your every word
I knew your commitment wasn't real
But still trusted what I'd heard

You didn't love me, but I think
that, in part, you wanted to.
So I embraced the lies, the love
you claimed, and believed your
"I love you."

Little Pills

Little pills to make me sleep
Little pills my soul to keep
Little pills to stop my dreams
Little pills to calm my screams
All these little pills I take
Hoping that I will not wake
Little pills to get me through
All the pain of losing you
Little pills that make me sleep
Little pills that my soul keep

when i finally go

author's note: right now i am so unhappy. have you ever felt like a total letdown? like the entire world would be better if you ceased to exist? that's how i feel right now. some of this is genuine sadness, but a big part of it is depression. and that can be difficult to handle. this is how i handle mine, but sometimes i feel like it isn't enough.

that frightens me.

***** 

no one will miss me
no one will know
no one will fret
when i finally go

my son he is strong
my family will show
all the strength that i lacked
when i finally go

what use have i been
hurting those that i love
was i ever good enough
when push came to shove

so how would i do it
would it be fast or slow
well i wouldn't, so there
i guess we'll never know

i hate how i'm feeling
but surely you know
that i'll be an old man
when i finally go

i'll have done what i planned
and some that i've not
i'll look back and be thankful
for this life that i've got

and if you were in it
i want you to know
i'll thank God for your presence
when i finally go