In a Mood

"You spoke to Anne last night, huh" asked Alex. His calm gaze was leveled on Jack, who stood leaning against his kitchen counter. Jack stared down at the floor, his face grim.

"Yeah," he whispered. His eyes remained lowered, but he held out a notebook.

Alex took it, but never took his eyes from Jack. "What's this?"

"I was in mood," said Jack, looking up and locking eyes with his old friend. "What else was there to do but write?"

He began to pace his kitchen; a caged tiger of emotion. "My love has not faltered in all this time. And the pain of it does not whither. She tells me of exploits without understanding how much it pains me to hear them."

His pacing came to a sudden halt. A kind of agonized reality seemed to have struck him. Grief, like a larval worm, began the slow climb across his face. "Or perhaps she simply doesn't care."

"No," said Alex, his tone firm. "I know how much you love Anne. You don't mean that. She would never, ever do that to you."

"I hope you're right."

"I am. Now shut up and let me read this stuff."

Jack sighed and walked out the door to have a cigarette. Alex made himself comfortable on the floor, opened the notebook, and began to read.



****
Grace

Crimson tears flow down my arms
in memories of long ago
Grow up young man, grow up, grow up
No longer will they flow
Embrace this life you grew to loathe
allow yourself to know
that scars will fade and memories too
if you learn to just let go
Open your heart, forgive yourself
for errors of the past
Allow your soul to move along
the pain it will not last
Pray for me now I beg, I plead
that grace will see me through
For without the grace of heaven I fear
that I'll be lost to you.

Reflections

My doppelganger prays for me
each time that I walk past
I see the worry on his face
in his eyes beyond the glass.

The tears that silently roam his face
are tears he weeps for me
"You aren't as bad as I," he says.
"Why can't you seem to see?"

I look into his eyes for hours
before giving my reply
"It wasn't you who failed them all.
It was my fault. It was I."

Repentance

Apologies to mom and dad
apologies to my brother and son.
Apologies to those touched by my life
and the foolish things I've done.
Apologies to God for being
less that I could be.
Apologies to all of you
but most of all to me.

Forgive

You've blessed me with my life, oh Lord
Showed me love and grace
Put people in my life who cared
And filled an empty space.


But I've pushed them all away, oh Lord
Though you taught me how to live
It's not your fault, it's mine alone
And I must learn to forgive -


Myself for all the foolish words
I spoke without a thought
Myself for all the lies I've told;
I've got me now, I'm caught.


Please teach me how to do this, Lord
Please help me see the way
Forgiving myself is my only chance
To go on another day


I ask this of you now, oh Lord
I fear it cannot wait
Please teach me to forgive myself
before it is too late


Without You

Where did you come from and why now?
Of the billions on the earth, why you?
What miracle brought you to me, love
and without you now, what will I do?


When you are gone the sun won't shine
without you my heart won't beat
You were the missing puzzle piece
that made my soul complete.


There is no warmth within my world
now that you've gone away
And I question my own sanity
for rain tickles my cheeks on a clear, blue day


Where have you gone to and why now?
Of the billions on this earth, why she?
Why did I have to lose such love
and with it part of me?


Simple Rule

Roses have thorns to protect them from
the bumbling hands of fools
But roses can be cradled close
if you follow this short rule:


Treat them with love and a gentle touch
and soon enough you'll see
That roses can be folded close to your heart
when held delicately
****


Jack walked back into his apartment. He took one last drag before casting the cigarette butt out the door. Alex was nowhere to be seen. This wasn't entirely unexpected. The man was better than Houdini when it came to baffling escapes.

The notebook was on the kitchen counter, opened to the last poem. Below it was scribbled a message. Jack sat down to read.

Hey bud,

I enjoyed these. I especially liked the first one because I'm glad that you pick up a pen now, rather than a modeling knife. It also brings me joy to know that you remain optimistic, even it carries a weight of sadness.

Forgiveness will come in time. Whether you believe it or not, I can assure you that it will.

I will say that your writing is improving, though it is not without its flaws. I'd have chosen some different wording on a few of these, but I realize that when you let your thoughts flow from the heart, word choice isn't always what matters.  

What matters is that you started writing again. I think that it's a kindness to yourself, and to any who might read your words and know they're not alone. 

And you are not alone, either, my old friend. I love you dearly and wish for nothing but your happiness. I will always be here for you. No matter what.

- Alex

Jack mulled over the words of his oldest friend. A slight smile touched his lips. He closed the notebook.