It's been awhile...

It's been awhile. Nice to see you again after all these years. Here are some things I've written in the last month or so. As always, with varying results. (Uploaded this with my phone and the formatting is...odd. "/" are a sign that you should pause in your reading. Hopefully that'll help with the flow.)

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The full moon has risen in a cloud streaked sky/ casting her cool light down on the valleys below.

Coyote howls in the evening air/ are carried for miles 'neath the full moon's glow.

I lie on my bedroll gazing at the stars/ hoping you're looking at them too.

My eyes are on the moon, my heart is in the wild/ but my mind is always thinking thoughts of you.

_____

I am in love with the sun and moon/ the both, they hold my heart.

I see them shine from time to time/ but soon they do depart.

The sun she warms my desolate soul./ My heart sings with her light.

But it's the moon I think about/ and gaze upon at night.

The moon she sometimes goes away./ Where to? I do not know.

The sun she's always waiting to/ embrace me with her glow.

I'm torn between my sun and moon./ Both fill my life with verve.

But in my heart and mind I know,/ it's neither I deserve.

_____

The stars are sparkling in the sky,

I look at them and think of you.

And miss the sparkle within your eyes.

Do you miss looking in my eyes too?

To hold your hand would be a delight,

And take away the chill of this cold.

Someday I'll embrace you through the night -

I'll be happy to 'til we're both old.

I love you more than the heavens above.

Good night, sweet dreams, my dearest love.

_____

You are like the air I breathe when I hike through the mountains.

You are like the sustenance I crave when hunger strikes after a long day.

You are the sleep I drift into when the long day is done.

You are the warmth of the sun and the brilliant stars I gaze upon at night.

You are all of these and so much more - wanted, needed, loved.

Always.

ramblings at 02:00 EST

I may no longer say that I love you, but my mind and spirit suffer from those unspoken words. Not a day passes that I don't think about you, and I am plagued with sleepless nights. I feel wrecked, broken. I am bombarded by imaginings of just letting go, ending it all.

Death.

But that cannot, will not happen. For were I to die now, I would no longer be able to think.

Of you.

In my prayers I am thankful for you, and I place my faith in God. If he could bring you to me, another leaf on the wind from thousands of miles away, then he can do it again.

And with faith, hope, and charity, all things are possible.

Love is not enough. It must be forged in faith, tempered in hope.

beLIEver

I loved the way you lied to me
And I believed your every word
I knew your commitment wasn't real
But still trusted what I'd heard

You didn't love me, but I think
that, in part, you wanted to.
So I embraced the lies, the love
you claimed, and believed your
"I love you."

Little Pills

Little pills to make me sleep
Little pills my soul to keep
Little pills to stop my dreams
Little pills to calm my screams
All these little pills I take
Hoping that I will not wake
Little pills to get me through
All the pain of losing you
Little pills that make me sleep
Little pills that my soul keep

when i finally go

author's note: right now i am so unhappy. have you ever felt like a total letdown? like the entire world would be better if you ceased to exist? that's how i feel right now. some of this is genuine sadness, but a big part of it is depression. and that can be difficult to handle. this is how i handle mine, but sometimes i feel like it isn't enough.

that frightens me.

***** 

no one will miss me
no one will know
no one will fret
when i finally go

my son he is strong
my family will show
all the strength that i lacked
when i finally go

what use have i been
hurting those that i love
was i ever good enough
when push came to shove

so how would i do it
would it be fast or slow
well i wouldn't, so there
i guess we'll never know

i hate how i'm feeling
but surely you know
that i'll be an old man
when i finally go

i'll have done what i planned
and some that i've not
i'll look back and be thankful
for this life that i've got

and if you were in it
i want you to know
i'll thank God for your presence
when i finally go

More Precious

I am writing this for me. However, it is dedicated to everyone. Whether you are dating or married, there will come a time when you won't be able to look into those eyes, or kiss those lips, or hold that hand (at least, on this plain of existence). So, before you get angry, before you say things you don't mean, before you feel jealousy or envy or the like, or get distracted by email, internet, or television, remember this. Remember that every moment matters.

*****

When you know that there is an expiration date on a love that you hold in your heart, you watch the clock. Every second becomes diamonds and gold. More precious, in fact, because while you can always get more diamonds, more gold...you can't get more time.

As each grain of sand slips away through the hourglass, you learn to love with every piece of you. Every moment together is bliss. Every moment apart, agony.

Again, you watch the clock, waiting until the hour, the minute, the second that you will see their face again. You learn to listen, to speak softly, to not give in to anger. You learn what it means to really love someone.

Because when that final grain slips past, as you always knew it would; when the clock stops ticking, when you hold that hand in yours for the last time, the world slows down. You feel every last imperfection on that hand, every throb of the blood that flows within, every bit of warmth that will never be there again.

And as they walk away from you for the last time you will die a little inside, because while you held them close, kissed their lips, and looked into their eyes...

...you were never, never more alive. And it was worth it.

3 Poems and a Fairy Tale

Hi. The following are exactly what the title says. Not very creative, right? Still, I hope you enjoy them. One of the poems is in iambic pentameter (sort of), which I haven't done in ages. Am I still good at it? Does is matter?

*****
Em8

The setting sun, a lovely view,
made more so when I'm next to you.
The city lights, they have their charms,
because you're cuddled in my arms.
A rainy day or storm-tossed sea?
It's all lovely when you're next to me.

*****

Am1

I let you go and walked away, my dear,
because I knew not what else I should do.
My heart was racing from a sudden fear -
a fear brought on by how I felt for you.
And now I've slowed, I've stopped my foolish run
and ask aloud, "Oh no, what have I done?"

*****

Artist

The ink is leaking from my pen
it smears the pages yet again
What shall I do for it is my last one
I cannot stop, the words are not yet done.
The ink is nearly empty now, oh no.
I must continue writing but how so?
Perhaps I'll spit and mix a little mud?
I know - I'll prick my thumb and write in blood!
HA-HA! Don't look at me as though I'm daft.
I'm an artist dedicated to my craft!

*****

This story was inspired by me throwing a wood shaving into the fire out in the field. It glowed, looking like a small girl for a brief time. The story is rough, but I like it well enough.

*****

The Little Ember Girl

One day, after throwing a large shaving of wood into the fire, a little ember girl appeared. She was bright red-orange and black, and she came from the glowing wood shaving.

She looked up at me, waved hello. I gave her my most charming smile and a slight nod of my head. She stood for a moment, making sure she held my attention. Then, to the rhythm of the juniper wood popping, she began to dance.

She twirled. She leaped about, hair showering tiny sparks. I wish I could describe the dance better, because it was beautiful, but my words fail me. The dance went on for quite some time, but soon the little ember girl began to slow. As she did so, I noticed that her red-orange glow began to dim. She was fading away.

She saw sadness in my eyes. Sadness at losing something so beautiful. She saw, and shook her head. She did not want me to be said for she had been able to dance for me. She had danced, and I saw. I saw, and that is what all little ember girls wish for - to dance and be seen (because for many, their dance goes unnoticed). And it warmed my heart.

And as she faded away, she smiled at me and waved goodbye.

"Goodbye," I whispered.

So the next time you are seated around a fire, be sure to pay attention to the little embers, for if you look really close, they might just dance for you. And it will warm your heart, too.