Author's Note: I have struggled to write this since December of 2011. It was meant to be my first crack at a full-length novel, and yet for some reason I could not quite get it out. I would write a paragraph or two, edit them. Delete them.
I would save the draft and come back to it over the weeks, months, only to begin the process over again.
Tonight I had the idea that if I could not quite get it out in the way I had originally intended, then perhaps a different format was required. I thought of the poem that inspired Stephen King's Dark Tower Series, "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came", by Robert Browning.
Here was a lengthy poem that told a story. And while mine does not rhyme and isn't nearly as long, it tells, to some degree, the tale that I needed to tell.
As many of my stories do, it began with tears. But what sparked the idea was a simple dedication, or declaration, in a wonderful book - The Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence. I do not know who he dedicated the book to, other than a name, nor what the dedication actually means.
But it meant something to me.
All relationships, all loves have their good and bad moments. They have times when everything seems so right, and times when it all seems wrong.
But it is never wrong to love. As Stephen Levine once said, love is the only rational act.
Love is the only rational act.
It isn't perfect, by any stretch, but then again...
*****
"...the best parts were never broken."
He battled for years against many a foe
Defeated them all without a scratch
"Invincible" were the rumored tales
His wings outstretched, his halo bright
A rescue one day would change his life
He was mesmerized by her shining eyes
They fell in love thought there were concerns
if his enemies learned she might come to harm
She held his secret close to her heart
And at the end of the day he would come back to her
But time has a way of adding to strife
His love was afraid of losing him
She cried one night and begged him to stop
in her heart she knew it was a matter of time
So in the midst of battle she went out to him
Beseeched him to end it and just be with her
Distracted by this he was struck a blow from behind
In a brilliant flash his wings blew apart
He fell from the sky as a blazing ball of flame,
left a small crater where he crashed to the earth.
She ran to his side with tears in her eyes
Held his shattered form within her small arms
Blood trickled out as he struggled to speak
"I'm sorry," she said as she looked in his eyes.
"You were there for them all, I wanted you for me."
He looked into her eyes with tears flowing down
And smiled at the woman he had come to love
"It was always for you," he weakly spoke.
"I wanted to be worthy of the love that you gave."
With a groan and a grimace he pulled her close as he could.
A tear of blood fell from his eye
The wind swept up his broken feathers
Together they cried for the very last time
"I'm sorry," he said. "I left so much unspoken."
She said, "No my love...the best parts were unbroken."
Then with a shudder in her arms and a soft, gentle sigh
She watch her dear love, The Divine, slowly die.
The hero who had rescued her from above
Paid the ultimate price for the sake of their love
Friday, August 24, 2012
Phone calls and signs
"So if you're lonely, you know I'm here..." - Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand
As the plane began its slow descent I knew that the butterflies in my stomach were from more than the change in altitude. Sure I had come back to see family, but I had also returned because home kept calling to me. ("Home is where the heart is.")
I had had dreams for weeks; they felt so real. Dreams of a hand, long absent, once again in mine. Eyes that I had longed to gaze into. A smile.
A whispered "I love you" in the soft grey-blue of the morning light...
And each time I would awaken, alone. Lost.
I would lay there for hours, thinking of what I needed to say ("It's only you"), what I needed to make known ("It can only be you"), what I needed to tell you ("You are the last I will love, the one that is home to my heart").
But as I sit here thinking ("Fortune favors the bold"), I realize that courage has eluded me. I am afraid, and I am hoping for a sign. Whispered words on the other end of the phone.
("I still love you. Come grow old with me.")
As the plane began its slow descent I knew that the butterflies in my stomach were from more than the change in altitude. Sure I had come back to see family, but I had also returned because home kept calling to me. ("Home is where the heart is.")
I had had dreams for weeks; they felt so real. Dreams of a hand, long absent, once again in mine. Eyes that I had longed to gaze into. A smile.
A whispered "I love you" in the soft grey-blue of the morning light...
And each time I would awaken, alone. Lost.
I would lay there for hours, thinking of what I needed to say ("It's only you"), what I needed to make known ("It can only be you"), what I needed to tell you ("You are the last I will love, the one that is home to my heart").
But as I sit here thinking ("Fortune favors the bold"), I realize that courage has eluded me. I am afraid, and I am hoping for a sign. Whispered words on the other end of the phone.
("I still love you. Come grow old with me.")
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The Men in Black Suits
My Dearest Love,
last night the men in the black suits came for me.
My old horse had carried me across the miles and I was nearly to your door. The horse was lathered in sweat, and my bones ached. But when I saw the men I drew my sword and held it tightly in my hand.
It was not meant to be. There were too many of them.
One was called Regret. Another was named Sadness. There was also Guilt, Despondency, Pain, and Anger.
They were the ones that kept me from you and I am truly sorry. I swung my sword with all the strength left in me, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough.
I am writing this from the cell that they have locked me in. My heart aches at the thought that I was not strong enough to defeat them. It aches because they kept me from what should have been.
They kept me from you.
Now my time is running short and I am feeling weak. They have deprived me of the necessary nourishment that I need to keep going, and I am already so tired from my journey.
My love, as you read this, please know that I tried to get past them. I gave it all that I could, but I just was not strong enough.
I should have been stronger. For you. For me. For us.
The light is beginning to fade and the raven that I have captured to deliver this message is growing restless. He yearns to fly. To you.
Know that when you read this all of the love I ever had for you goes into these words. Know that I never gave up and will never give up.
Even as my body grows cold and weak, if I can find a way to come to you, I will. Because your love is all that I need. Your love, and your acceptance.
If I can find a way.
Until that time I will fight the men in the black suits. Until I can fight no more.
My love will always be with you and my heart will always be yours.
last night the men in the black suits came for me.
My old horse had carried me across the miles and I was nearly to your door. The horse was lathered in sweat, and my bones ached. But when I saw the men I drew my sword and held it tightly in my hand.
It was not meant to be. There were too many of them.
One was called Regret. Another was named Sadness. There was also Guilt, Despondency, Pain, and Anger.
They were the ones that kept me from you and I am truly sorry. I swung my sword with all the strength left in me, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough.
I am writing this from the cell that they have locked me in. My heart aches at the thought that I was not strong enough to defeat them. It aches because they kept me from what should have been.
They kept me from you.
Now my time is running short and I am feeling weak. They have deprived me of the necessary nourishment that I need to keep going, and I am already so tired from my journey.
My love, as you read this, please know that I tried to get past them. I gave it all that I could, but I just was not strong enough.
I should have been stronger. For you. For me. For us.
The light is beginning to fade and the raven that I have captured to deliver this message is growing restless. He yearns to fly. To you.
Know that when you read this all of the love I ever had for you goes into these words. Know that I never gave up and will never give up.
Even as my body grows cold and weak, if I can find a way to come to you, I will. Because your love is all that I need. Your love, and your acceptance.
If I can find a way.
Until that time I will fight the men in the black suits. Until I can fight no more.
My love will always be with you and my heart will always be yours.
Under the Field of Stars
To the countless stars up in the sky
I beg "Please tell her true."
And each time you look upon the heavens
they're whispering
"He loves you."
~~~~~~~~
I look up at the evening sky
and my mind turns to you.
As I gaze upon the stars I ask
"Is she looking at them, too?"
My love for you it has no end
though we may be far apart.
When you stare up at the sky
please know
you are always in my heart.
I beg "Please tell her true."
And each time you look upon the heavens
they're whispering
"He loves you."
~~~~~~~~
I look up at the evening sky
and my mind turns to you.
As I gaze upon the stars I ask
"Is she looking at them, too?"
My love for you it has no end
though we may be far apart.
When you stare up at the sky
please know
you are always in my heart.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Driving
Sometimes I can't remember what you look like. What remains is a phantom limb. Losing you was like losing an arm or a hand. Yes. A hand.
There are times when I'm driving, usually late at night, that I'll see something, a sign or billboard perhaps. I'll look over with a smile on my face because I know you'll be just as geeked about it as I am.
But you aren't there. Not anymore. Never again. And my life feels empty.
I know why you felt like you had to go. I was stagnant and holding you back. I always held you back.
I should have been more helpful. Should have been more patient. Should have been more kind. Should have been more loving.
I should have been more. I should have, and now I can't.
Not with you. And not without you.
Not without you.
There are times when I'm driving, usually late at night, that I'll see something, a sign or billboard perhaps. I'll look over with a smile on my face because I know you'll be just as geeked about it as I am.
But you aren't there. Not anymore. Never again. And my life feels empty.
I know why you felt like you had to go. I was stagnant and holding you back. I always held you back.
I should have been more helpful. Should have been more patient. Should have been more kind. Should have been more loving.
I should have been more. I should have, and now I can't.
Not with you. And not without you.
Not without you.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Mish-mash patty-whack
Cogitate
At what point does solitude become solitary? When does relaxation become resignation? In the view of a majestic sunset some of life's biggest issues become mere trivialities. And in the quiet calm induced by such a heavenly art show of color and light, a mind can attain laser-like focus. A focus that can become a double-edged sword.
Focus can break the wings of a soaring heart. It can lead from simple contemplation of life's great joys to ruminations of life's tragedies; cause a soul to plunge from the heavens to the abyss of memory.
An author once wrote that memory is the great deceiver, and it must be so. For when I remember the sunsets, the long walks in the woods, and swimming in the cold waters, I recall holding a hand in mine. The sound of a voice, a beautiful voice, laughing as we talk about everything. And nothing.
There was a face, smiling. I am sure of that. But I do not remember what it looks like. Only that it was the one that mattered most to me. The only one I wanted to look at, with the only eyes I wanted to look into.
Shadows
What if we are the shadows that shrink and grow; the dopplegangers on the other side of the mirror? What if we are the sadness, pain, bitterness and struggle? What if, on the other side, there is a utopia that we will never see? Are we the outcasts, the projections, the imagined? Are we really so great? Or are we just the shadows, the darkness; waiting for the light to dispel our short lives?
When the apple was eaten in the garden, did a merciful father create a split, allowing the children of the light to live in harmony, while the shadows were left to suffer? Did Peter Pan lose his shadow, or did it lose him?
Unimpressed
I don't want to have to show off to you or make you feel impressed
I just hope you'll say you love me, even when I am a mess.
You don't need to wear your make-up or have a tiny waist and thighs
You'll always be the prettiest girl that I've seen with these two eyes.
I just want to be loved for who I am, you'll be loved the same my dear
And you'll be held in arms that won't let go. No, not ever. Don't you fear.
Exit
Struggling, we enter the world and open our eyes to terrifying, bright light and a warm embrace. Make friends. Make love. Make someone feel special. Then close your eyes to the sunshine with a smile on your face. Return to the darkness, to her cold embrace.
At what point does solitude become solitary? When does relaxation become resignation? In the view of a majestic sunset some of life's biggest issues become mere trivialities. And in the quiet calm induced by such a heavenly art show of color and light, a mind can attain laser-like focus. A focus that can become a double-edged sword.
Focus can break the wings of a soaring heart. It can lead from simple contemplation of life's great joys to ruminations of life's tragedies; cause a soul to plunge from the heavens to the abyss of memory.
An author once wrote that memory is the great deceiver, and it must be so. For when I remember the sunsets, the long walks in the woods, and swimming in the cold waters, I recall holding a hand in mine. The sound of a voice, a beautiful voice, laughing as we talk about everything. And nothing.
There was a face, smiling. I am sure of that. But I do not remember what it looks like. Only that it was the one that mattered most to me. The only one I wanted to look at, with the only eyes I wanted to look into.
Shadows
What if we are the shadows that shrink and grow; the dopplegangers on the other side of the mirror? What if we are the sadness, pain, bitterness and struggle? What if, on the other side, there is a utopia that we will never see? Are we the outcasts, the projections, the imagined? Are we really so great? Or are we just the shadows, the darkness; waiting for the light to dispel our short lives?
When the apple was eaten in the garden, did a merciful father create a split, allowing the children of the light to live in harmony, while the shadows were left to suffer? Did Peter Pan lose his shadow, or did it lose him?
Unimpressed
I don't want to have to show off to you or make you feel impressed
I just hope you'll say you love me, even when I am a mess.
You don't need to wear your make-up or have a tiny waist and thighs
You'll always be the prettiest girl that I've seen with these two eyes.
I just want to be loved for who I am, you'll be loved the same my dear
And you'll be held in arms that won't let go. No, not ever. Don't you fear.
Exit
Struggling, we enter the world and open our eyes to terrifying, bright light and a warm embrace. Make friends. Make love. Make someone feel special. Then close your eyes to the sunshine with a smile on your face. Return to the darkness, to her cold embrace.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Oldies
The following are some older writings that I'm PRETTY sure aren't up here. It will be updated as I find them. If you spot a duplicate, by all means, let me know.
She Asked - originally written 2/17/11
She asked, "Are you alright?"
I said, "I don't think that I'm real
I'm made of glue and paper
But somehow I still feel."
She asked, "How can I help you?"
I answered, "I don't know.
But part of me is missing,
and for awhile now, it seems so."
She asked, "Well, what has happened?"
"I fell in love," came my reply.
"And the glue and paper have come undone
from the tears out of my eyes."
She asked, "What has you crying?
What have you been going through?"
I said, "It started when I realized
that my heart belonged to you."
She asked, "Is that a bad thing?"
I said, "No, it's not. That's true.
But I'm not quite right, so I wonder
What's that saying about you?"
And she said, "I hadn't thought of that."
Then, forever, walked away.
My paper heart lay in pieces then
And still does to this day.
*****
The Gift - originally written 4/10/2011
She Asked - originally written 2/17/11
She asked, "Are you alright?"
I said, "I don't think that I'm real
I'm made of glue and paper
But somehow I still feel."
She asked, "How can I help you?"
I answered, "I don't know.
But part of me is missing,
and for awhile now, it seems so."
She asked, "Well, what has happened?"
"I fell in love," came my reply.
"And the glue and paper have come undone
from the tears out of my eyes."
She asked, "What has you crying?
What have you been going through?"
I said, "It started when I realized
that my heart belonged to you."
She asked, "Is that a bad thing?"
I said, "No, it's not. That's true.
But I'm not quite right, so I wonder
What's that saying about you?"
And she said, "I hadn't thought of that."
Then, forever, walked away.
My paper heart lay in pieces then
And still does to this day.
*****
The Gift - originally written 4/10/2011
When you love someone dearly, don't do it on autopilot
Don't take them for granted, or soon you'll regret it.
Remember to always be patient and kind,
know your actions effect them, so keep them in mind.
Love is a journey, but you can't just press "cruise"
you must put real thought into the words that you choose.
Listen intently and understand what they say
and don't just follow your heart, it can lead you astray.
Rather, lead your heart onward and you can pass any test
for while there's faith, hope, and love - love is the best
Show them you love them, and show them each day
Because love is a gift that can be taken away.
*****
Don't take them for granted, or soon you'll regret it.
Remember to always be patient and kind,
know your actions effect them, so keep them in mind.
Love is a journey, but you can't just press "cruise"
you must put real thought into the words that you choose.
Listen intently and understand what they say
and don't just follow your heart, it can lead you astray.
Rather, lead your heart onward and you can pass any test
for while there's faith, hope, and love - love is the best
Show them you love them, and show them each day
Because love is a gift that can be taken away.
*****
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